Like an idiot (a particularly *bored* idiot) I decided to venture out this morning.  TV and radio had told me that people weren't attending the sales - or at least hadn't been thus far.  So, as I said, being bored and an idiot out I go.

It's hell out there, people.  I was lulled into a false sense of security by the roads leading to the massive out-of-town retail park being reasonably quiet, and by the way I got a parking space quite close to the door at Ikea.  Then I actually got inside...

Nothing is actually on sale.  Nothing you'd want anyway, sure you can get a pack of 8000 tealights for £3 now instead of £4, but not really what I was looking for.  Was the coffee-table I was after reduced at all? No.  How about the small 2-seat sofa?  No.  And being Ikea I wasn't about to head off with the mooing herd to the underground cavern of wonders that lay between me and the exit, oh no, I've fallen for that before!

So I went back.  Now, if you've ever tried to follow anything but the proscribed path in Ikea you'll know what I was up against - it's like batting a raging river of people.  You're dancing around tables and between beds and chairs trying to stay off the main path - I was tempted to roll a 12-sided dice to see if I could use a +50 shelving unit to clear the way...  Finally you get to the main stairs and have to go down while everyone coming up is wondering what the hell you're doing.

Anyway, I finally escaped.  In retrospect it was quite lucky that I didn't buy anything as I found the boot of my car was frozen shut, so I'd never have gotten anything in anyway - you can see how well planned this excursion was. 

Negotiating the roads *away* from the shopping centre is like escaping the seventh level of hell.  To quote Dante:
"The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering."
I can only assume that people either lose the ability to drive, or the people who normally drive every day to work decide they can't be bothered and leave the driving to the elderly, infirm, blind, or just plain mental cases.  How there aren't more accidents I will never know.

So I finally escaped, and having learned my lesson I went home to read a good book... HA, just kidding, that would be no way to end this would it, lord no, I WENT TO BIRMINGHAM!!!

Why? Why did any part of my brain think it would be a good idea to do that?  It's probably a good thing that I didn't actually find a parking space, but just did a lap of the city centre like a depressing Monaco Grand Prix, and then went home.  On the bright side all the roads out were clear, as everyone else was no doubt trapped in the One Way system passing the same half-dozen multi-storey carparks again and again and again.  I'm sure they're still there now, or maybe they have actully made it inside the great hallowed halls of the Bull Ring only to find that the sales are a lie, but to justify their time and effort they have to buy *something*, even at the same price it will still be next week.

I should have known.  I used to work in retail.  The days after Christmas we knew full well that people only came to the stores to get away from their families who they had been cooped up with for more than a few hours.  It doesn't matter if you have anything good on sale, they will come anyway.  I don't know what I was thinking, but this is what boredom does to me I guess.

Tags: rant, opinion, zombies
Categories: General | Opinion | rant